My Uncle Oswald (Expect the Unexpected)
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Meet Oswald Hendryks Cornelius, Roald Dahl's most disgraceful and extraordinary character . . . Aside from being thoroughly debauched, strikingly attractive and astonishingly wealthy, Uncle Oswald was the greatest bounder, bon vivant and fornicator of all time. In this instalment of his scorchingly frank memoirs he tells of his early career and erotic education at the hands of a number of enthusiastic teachers, of discovering the invigorating properties of the Sudanese Blister Beetle, and of the gorgeous Yasmin Howcomely, his electrifying partner in a most unusual series of thefts . . . 'Raunchy and cheeky entertainment' Sunday Express 'Immense fun' Daily Telegraph Roald Dahl, the brilliant and worldwide acclaimed author of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, James and the Giant Peach, Matilda, and many more classics for children, also wrote scores of short stories for adults. These delightfully disturbing tales have often been filmed and were most recently the inspiration for the West End play, Roald Dahl's Twisted Tales by Jeremy Dyson. Roald Dahl's stories continue to make readers shiver today.
was intensely luxurious and the leisure was unlimited. One hundred thousand pounds was not enough for that. I needed more. I needed a million pounds at least. I felt sure I would find a way to earn it. Meanwhile, I had not made a bad start. I had enough sense to realize that first of all I must continue my education. Education is everything. I have a horror of uneducated people. And so in the summer of 1913,1 transferred my money to a London bank and returned to the land of my fathers. In
he even heard her. And although he was clearly going mad with lust, he also gave the impression of a man who was in great discomfort. He was hopping, it appeared, because excessive irritation was taking place. Something was stinging him. It was stinging him so much he couldn’t stand still. In greyhound racing, to make a dog run faster, they frequently insert a piece of ginger up its rectum and the dog runs flat out in an effort to get away from the terrible sting in its backside. With A. R.
froze right in the middle of a sentence just as old Woresley had done in the lab. Here it comes, I told myself. Put on the boxing gloves.’ ‘Did he jump you?’ ‘No, he didn’t. Don’t forget Woresley had had a double dose.’ ‘Ah yes.’ ‘Anyway, he was standing in front of me when he froze and he was wearing tight trousers so I could see very clearly what was going on around there. At precisely that moment, I told him I collected the autographs of great men and asked him if he would give me his
went on. My diary from that date informs me that we both started the meal with a dozen escargots. It was mid-August and the grouse were just beginning to come in from Yorkshire and Scotland, so we ordered one each and I told the head-waiter we wanted them blood-rare. The wine was to be a bottle of Volnay, one of my favourite burgundies. ‘Now,’ I said when we had given our order. ‘Tell me all.’ ‘You want a blow by blow account?’ ‘Every tiny detail.’ There was a bowl of radishes on the table
wanting to know what had happened to me. So would Woresley. Should I tell them the truth? If I did, Yasmin would fall all over the room laughing, and I could already hear Woresley in his silly pompous way saying, ‘You are altogether too carnal, my dear Cornelius. No man can debauch himself the way you do without paying a heavy price.’ I didn’t think I could stand that sort of thing right then so I decided to tell them I had strained a ligament in my thigh. I had done it while helping an old lady