The Utterly Uninteresting and Unadventurous Tales of Fred, the Vampire Accountant
Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub
Some people are born boring. Some live boring. Some even die boring. Fred managed to do all three, and when he woke up as a vampire, he did so as a boring one. Timid, socially awkward, and plagued by self-esteem issues, Fred has never been the adventurous sort. One fateful night - different from the night he died, which was more inconvenient than fateful - Fred reconnects with an old friend at his high school reunion. This rekindled relationship sets off a chain of events thrusting him right into the chaos that is the parahuman world, a world with chipper zombies, truck driver wereponies, maniacal necromancers, ancient dragons, and now one undead accountant trying his best to "survive." Because even after it's over, life can still be a downright bloody mess.
her over the past ten years, it had certainly made her beautiful. Perhaps this wasn’t just about convenience. “Well, I would have prepared if I had known you were coming by. I haven’t seen you since our date after the reunion fiasco,” I said. “Ugh, I know. Sorry about that. Had to fly to Greece to track down some marauding ghouls. Took forever, and the company plan doesn’t cover unauthorized international calls to undead romantic interests,” she said, waltzing over to my couch and plopping
challenge had been a chess match?” “Win, of course,” I told her. “I’m not sure if you remember, but I was quite the chess prodigy in high school.” Krystal reached overly lovingly, then smacked me across my head. “Ow!” I yelped in reflex. “What was that for?” “I’m not sure if you remember, Freddy, but I was the only person you never managed to beat at chess all through high school,” Krystal reminded me. “So if I didn’t beat their guy, what shot did you think you had?” “I . . . might have
planner, but it was the principle of the thing. “Slowly,” I told her, taking a look at the crisping chocolate cookies for myself. I’ll give her this—she’d been right about their level of doneness. “I could use some help.” “Guess you shouldn’t have given Albert the day off, then.” “He put in the form three weeks ago. Besides, he and Neil were going Christmas shopping.” “On December 23rd? I see that being real productive.” “I suppose all your gift buying is done?” Krystal turned away,
gone silent again, but this time it was different. This time the world had frozen. The ghouls stood, still as fucked-up wax figures and at least twice as ugly. Quinn was unmoving, which made the look of surprise on his face all the more appropriate. Beauregard was stuck as well, his head halfway up as he twisted his eyes to find the source of the voice. I followed his eyes to find a small figure climbing out of the back of the truck, chunking an enormous blanket back into the vehicle’s depths.
were far smarter than mere animals. The only options they had left me were to fruitlessly try to dodge and get torn to pieces, or to run smack into the grill of a pickup truck in front of me. I chose the latter. I jumped atop the truck and over its roof without breaking stride. If you have never been fortunate enough to see a look of utter surprise race across a werewolf’s face, I highly recommend you do so. My furry foes were forced to backpedal and change directions, getting into the rows on