When Mr. Dog Bites
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All Dylan Mint has ever wanted is to keep his Tourette's in check and live life as a "normal" teenager. The swearing, the tics, the howling "dog" that escapes when things are at their worst―nothing about Tourette's makes it easy to meet cute girls or have normal friends (or many friends at all). But a routine hospital visit changes everything―Dylan overhears that he's going to die. In an attempt to claim the life he's always wanted, he decides to grant himself parting wishes, or "Cool Things To Do Before I Cack It". In an intimate portrayal of life with Tourette's, Dylan's journey to come to terms with the disorder that has defined his life and his preconceptions about the world around him is hilarious, painful and, ultimately, utterly masterful.
and laughing their tits off because it has the word “cock” in it. It’s my slang and no one else’s. Would you Adam and Eve it? On the way to school I eyeballed Doughnut with some of his cronies. It was the first time I’d seen him since the end of last year. I didn’t miss him. His belly jelly wobbled; he had extra blubber on him. Maybe Mom was right. He’d probably been inhaling ice cream and lard over the summer. She’s some super-sleuth cookie, my mom. He didn’t clock me. I kept a safe distance,
Make Amir a happy chappy again instead of a miserable c***! This was a perfect moment to prove to him what I was all about, to show him what he’d be missing when I was gone. “Skittle, I’ve got a wee bone to pick with you,” I said, trying to act all cool and hard like the T-Birds from Grease. “What?” “What’s with you taking the piss out of Amir all the time?” “What?” “You heard, Skittle. You’ve been ripping the piss out of Amir.” “What are you on about, you mongo?” “You’d better well pack
slept in my bed and I crashed on the floor. She snored loads and kept me up most of the night. That’s a good one to use to take the pure p*** out of her in the future. My best bud, Amir, the one I told you about, has a new bird. She’s like him, if you know what I mean. Her name is Priya. She’s in the year below us at school. I keep calling him a pedo cradle-snatcher, which he hates. But even though she’s his new girl best bud, I will always be his real best bud ’cause I won’t ever say things like
Colm, or just Colm if you’d prefer.” “I think I’ll call you Doc Colm, if that’s okay?” “Sure thing, Dylan.” I nodded my head. “Okay, let’s see. I’ve had a look at the case files.” “Am I going to have to stay in the hospital, Doc Colm?” He laughed again and looked at Mom, who shook her head. “No, Dylan, you’re not going to have to stay in the hospital. Whatever gave you that idea?” “Just because.” “No, this is just an initial meeting for us to discuss the course of action,” Doc Colm
I say. “So I’m not going to cack it, then?” I asked Mom, just to be 125 percent sure. “No, you’re not. The doctor was saying all those things about the babies, not your Tourette’s, love,” Mom said. “That’s why I was there that day in the hospital. It was my scan we were discussing, not yours.” “And that’s why you were crying?” “Yes.” “So my life as I know it will not come to an abrupt end in March, then?” “No. Absolutely not.” “So the reason you were crying was because you’re having a